It's OK because i'm trying my best

Before I had children and before I had even contemplated procreating with anyone, I distinctly remember saying I didn't want children. My reason; I'm too selfish!

Fast forward a few years I'd met Andy, we'd brought our first house, got engaged, planned a beautiful wedding, got married and been on a lovely sunny honeymoon. It was in the middle of my post wedding blues that I realised that the lovely thing all woman endure once a month was late.... Hhmm. Not even a day or so, no, more like over a week late. No biggy I thought, maybe its all the stress of the wedding but maybe I'll take a test just to be sure. Well I'm pretty sure the instant I pee'd on that little stick those two blue lines showed up. SHIT.... This was not in the plan. Yes we'd discussed children one day and in one drunken night on honeymoon we'd (for a very short time) thought it would be a good idea to 'try' but seriously, how did this happen? Turns out apparently we didn't have any problems in that department. I went into denial, shock, disbelief (call it what you will) - I was 23 and had been married only 5 weeks and there I am, PREGNANT.

It was from there my apprehension about being a mother really started. How was i possibly going to bring up this tiny little person growing inside? How would i ever get over having to put someone elses needs before my own? I'm a self expressed selfish person, this was not going to come naturally to me. Top of my anxiety's was giving up my figure to have this little person, stretch marks were my vision of evil. I'm pretty sure throughout the whole of those 9 months i worried about something everyday, was the baby going to be healthy, would i be a good mum, would it come naturally, how would my relationshop cope with this sudden unplanned change, would i ever wear a size 10 ever again?!

I'm not going to lie when our beautiful little boy was finally born at 39+2 weeks on the 2nd April 2011 the only thing i felt was relief. After a difficult birth i didn't have that sudden rush of love everyone describes and quite honestly in those first few days after he was born i cried alot, i was in pain from giving birth and this tiny little person someone had entrusted me to look after just cried, slept, wanted to be fed and have his nappy changed. It wasn't how it looked in the books or in the tv programmes. My life had changed forever and for a very small amount of time I wanted to give him to someone else and go back to my old 'prebaby' life. Yet somewhere down the line things changed, i didn't even realise when they did but suddenly he was my be all and everything. I would move mountains for this little guy, he was mine and i loved every single ounce of his being. His smile and the way he would look at me changed my perspective on life. I was his mummy and i was his everything. He needed me.

Motherhood has been a learning curve for me; it has not come naturally. I've given up alot, especially socially, but i wouldn't change a thing. Zakary has brought out a part of me which i didn't even know existed, he's proved to me that i'm capable of far more than i ever imagined and there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Some days when he and his brother are really trying me, i still wonder what the hell i am doing being allowed to actually parent and raise two small children. Yes i loose my rag, i shout and want to cry; but, it's OK, because every single moment of everyday i am trying my best to be the very best mother I can be to them. It's ok because, to Zak and Theo I am the best mummy in the entire world, and they love me, faults and all.

I'm not perfect, far far from it, but to them i am.

Me & Theo July 2015 by KP Photography Trowbridge 

 

Me and Zakary February 2013